What the *#@%?! How to respond when your child swears

Parents can often find themselves staring in bewilderment at the little human they helped to create.

Sometimes this bewilderment is centred around awe and amazement. Sometimes it is firmly entrenched in shock and embarrassment about a specific behaviour they have just witnessed.

When a child swears it can be the latter that engulfs us.

Children learn to swear early

There is little evidence to suggest children’s swearing, or swearing in general, has become more frequent. But in 2013 a US study found by the time children start school “they have the rudiments of adult swearing” (about 42 taboo words).

Parental reactions to children’s swearing are generally cultural, embedded in context, and dependent on who else witnesses the behaviour and how the swearing makes them feel at that moment.

Sometimes parents might look at children’s swearing as a “bad” behaviour that needs to be dealt with. At other times they might perceive swearing as no big deal. In some situations they may even see it as funny.

These reactions are also entangled in emotion and mood and are not typically consistent. This can be confusing for children.

Unspoken rules

In English-speaking cultures there are unspoken social rules on who can say what to whom and in what situation. Research suggests men are more likely to swear in public than women and are less likely to be judged negatively if they do so.

Stand-up comedians swear a lot in their performances – and this is seen as funny and acceptable. But if an MP swore in parliament there would likely be a national outcry.

Similarly, while many adults swear, it is not seen as appropriate for children. This is tied to historical perceptions of the child as “innocent” and “good”. As well as the idea childhood is a special time in human development and parents are responsible for shaping and protecting their offspring.

Swear words are a way to communicate

But swear words are part of our language. Just like other words, they are expressions of our feelings, thoughts and intentions.

In this sense, when we think about children swearing, it is a developmental learning process that involves experimenting with different ways to express themselves and communicate.

When younger children swear, it is likely to come from overhearing the world and experimenting with their own language learning.

When older children swear, it is more likely to be related to their social and emotional development as they learn to manage their emotions and develop their identity.

Children tend to model adults. so if they are exposed to swearing in the home there is a good chance they will imitate the language they hear.

But if they haven’t picked it up from their parents (or older siblings), by the time they go to school they will hear these words from other children in the playground. Children are also increasingly surrounded by screens and different types of media. So exposure to swearing is almost impossible for parents to monitor and control.